I'm feeling a little powerless today. Negative body talk is everywhere. Last night I went out with my girlfriends and for the most part it was fun, but it took a turn when my two of my friends started snarking on other women's bodies. I was kind of dumbfounded. I didn't call them on it either, I got all tongue-tied and awkward. I was mostly just sad, because I know that they are no strangers to feelings of body shame, but instead of fighting it, they dished it out to others. Today at work, I tried in vain to convince women that they look beautiful, one of which was a size 26 and felt too fat for skinny jeans. I try to make it a special mission of mine to make customers feel good about themselves, but I'm just one voice amidst cacophony of negativity. I'm left feeling exhausted.
At the beginning of the summer, one of my goals was 'no negative body talk'. I'm proud to say I've done pretty well. It's an intention I have to set every day. If a negative thought creeps into my head, I literally have to talk myself out of it. I'm beginning to embody myself; meaning, I understand what my body looks like, how it feels, and I accept it. Best of all, I'm learning to love myself. But it only goes so far as myself. Leading by example is a start, but I think in order to make a real difference I have to set the intention to help other women, but I'm not sure what that looks like. You can't tell someone how to feel about anything.
I think the first step I need to take is to learn how to call people out in a way that doesn't start conflict, but generates discussion. I will try not to remain silent. Last night I could have said "there is nothing wrong with that woman's body" and then maybe that would spark some dialogue about why there is an 'ideal' body type, and who decides what that is.
Another idea is to build each other up with dialogue that is not appearance related. The other day when I was in the cafeteria (or "Thunder Alley" in 'lope talk) and I ran into a classmate; an older lady who is returning to education. She gave me a really simple compliment: "I love your comments in class". This made me feel really happy, and really confident, and it had nothing to do with my appearance. It just made my day and it made me feel much more at ease about my first week at school. Complimenting each other on our appearance is important, but I think we should acknowledge each other's talents, intelligence, interests, dreams, goals, and personalities more often. It can be hard not to default to the superficial, because it is just that; superficial. It's easy because it doesn't require us to dig any deeper. When we engage with each other about things other than looks, we form stronger bonds of friendship, we inspire each other (I actually signed up for school right after having an awesome conversation with a coworker about goals), and we learn that our appearance does not dictate our value.
This is all I have for now. I wish I could start a revolution or a protest or at least make t-shirts. But I'm just one person and I've got my life to live. Maybe in due time. What about you? Do you have any ideas on how to help women see how awesome they are? What are some things we can apply to our everyday lives that can make a difference?
It's a complete minefield. When friends start dissing themselves it just becomes an argument between "no, you look great!" and "I don't, I look so fat". I don't want to get into a discussion about what someone else's body does or doesn't look like in the first place. I think it's a great idea to focus compliments on aspects of someone that have nothing to do with physical appearance - I am going to make a conscious effort to do it more often!
ReplyDeleteYou know what my favorite part about this post was? That you talk about needing to complement each other more based on intelligence, thoughtfulness, talent, etc. It's so true. We, especially women, get so caught up in how we look that we forget we are fully functioning people behind our appearance. And to that lady who felt to fat for skinny jeans... I might have said, "well, I love strapless dresses but my boobs will never fit into them. their loss! let's find something that really flatters you." We get this idea that what we can wear determines whether our bodies are good enough, but it's the other way around: the clothes that fit us are a reflection of the quality of the clothes, not of our bodies. Next time, do step in. Sometimes that little opposition throws a wrench into the gears of our body-hate (or judging other people's bodies) and it makes all the difference. Sometimes not. But I think it's always worth a try :)
ReplyDeleteI really loved this post and I could not agree more. I loved what you said about complementing each other on more than just our bodies and appearance. I know personally, when I have done a good job at work or a teacher has complemented my work it makes me feel good about myself and the last thing I am thinking about is what I look like at the moment.
ReplyDeleteBtw- I was meaning to comment on your other post about contributing to your series but it just kept slipping my mind! I would totally be down to write something up if you ever need something! (although, I technically only attended high school for one year sooo)